Hell no, we won’t go!


You know when you wake up one sunny weekend in the Fall and think: Hey this will be a great day for apple picking with the kids!

Please. I am begging you. Just go back to bed. Save yourselves.

First you have to deal with the parents who make the rest of us look bad by having the otherworldly ability to actually do things in a timely fashion with their families. They go apple picking on September 1st and leave nothing for the rest of us slackers.

Then there’s the issue of what’s known as Indian Summer here in the lovely Northern Hemisphere. This morning you left the house in jeans and sweatshirts because it was 45 degrees, but it’s now close to noon and the sun is blazing like you just transported your entire brood to the Sahara instead.

Your sweatshirts are now wrapped around your waists, fathers are irritated, mothers are frustrated and children are whining that they want to go home. You trek miles through an empty orchard because you missed the wagon ride only to find one good apple left and it’s wayyyyyy up at the very top of the tree and completely not in the mood to fall into your stupid apple net.

The apple net which cost 33 dollars to rent, by the way.

You are now shouting at your loved ones to scour the ground under the tree hoping to find any apples that seem semi-decent because you refuse to leave until you have 33 dollars worth of apples, even if it kills all of you.

Did I mention the worms, the smell of the rotten apples, and the onslaught of bees?

And now your youngest refuses to walk one more step because the heat has him suddenly staring accusingly like you planned this whole fiasco of a day. (Well technically we did, but that’s beside the point)

Take it from me. You can soak up all those rich, leafy autumn colors by looking out any window in your home, head to the nearest bakery for a fresh baked pie, and get your apples at the nearest supermarket. And all for way less than 33 dollars.

I promise.


4 thoughts on “Hell no, we won’t go!

  1. Masterful use of the excessively burdened adjective “stupid”.

    Loved both pieces. I’m a voracious fan of snark. Please keep it coming.


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